When you leave them, when they leave you…

This is the last post on Parenting Parents, my theme for the month of June. Yes, I’m a day late, it isn’t Sunday anymore, but hey! I’m on a holiday! Every day is a Sunday!

Why am I trying to lighten the mood? Well, because the topic isn’t all that jovial. I’ve talked about all the day-to-day examples in which children find themselves taking care of their parents, but I haven’t written about the times when children leave home, leave their parents alone. Parents don’t do that…not until they do…

Due to recent events, I found myself crying uncontrollably one day, in front of my parents. Now, I don’t cry often. At least not publicly. And definitely not in front of my parents. I prefer not feeling so vulnerable. I prefer not feeling so vulnerable in front of my parents. After all, I have to be strong for them. They can’t take it when I cry. But, that day, I was. I couldn’t keep it in any longer.

Why was I crying? Well, because I was worried. I always am, but I was more worried than usual. I am about to leave and go far away, to a foreign land. And the separation kills them more than me and that is precisely what I am worried about. Their safety, health, their life, a nagging worry consumed me and I began to think that it might be better to just stay, to know that they are fine, to keep close and take care of them.

I am not one of those who forgets her parents. True, I tend to talk less when busy or talk more to my peers many times, but that is changing. I am phasing out of my teens, becoming more responsible. Responsible enough to know when I am not making time, right? It is a start! Hence, in the future, I won’t be forgetting them. They told me the same thing. If I make a good life for myself, I’ll be in a better position to help them. They convinced me that if, for that, separation is necessary, so be it.

So they gave a reason for me to leave them, for now. But what about if they leave me? That won’t even be temporary…What’ll I do? How will I deal with it?

The answer to how will I deal with it, I don’t know. I would never want to know, but alas, life doesn’t give that option, does it? I hope I have a better handle at life by then and better emotional maturity.

In today’s world, along with the emotional trauma of separation, the financial dependence that off-springs have on their parents makes for an added trauma of how-will-I-survive-in-this-world- without-my-parents’-support. I told them about the big risks we are taking, with the huge loan for my education. And in between all this, if something untoward happens, god forbid/touch wood, what if we fall into debts we can’t repay? Well, they assured me that they have taken care of it. I did stop crying, eventually.

Why am I telling you about how they consoled me? Especially when the post should be about how I console them..? Well, at times, you just can’t parent your parents. At times, the roles can’t be reversed. They are your parents for a reason. You are and will always be their child. You just have to let that be the way it is.

P. S. Brought on by a recent nightmare. Dad said that my subconscious mind has been cleansed…he doesn’t know that consciously, it never will be rid of my worries…Parent- chuck! (sigh)

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