I am 23 years old. Coming from a supposedly self-aware species, I’m becoming a more self-aware person, in the sense that now I can recognize and verbalize certain aspects of my character. For example, given the constant struggle that my life has been (a struggle that may not necessarily qualify as such in the eyes of the society, mind you), I’ve become oblivious to achievements. I used to think it’s the struggle that takes the charm out of things for me and hence, nothing surprises me nor gives me immense joy anymore. Apparently not. I can now say that I am a realist with a touch of indifference. It’s no longer incidental and I am beginning to realize it is a genuine trait.
Similarly, anxiety is a part of my character. This again hinders any possible “moment of relief.” I’ll explain how. My anxiety prevents me from enjoying the fruits of my hard work because as soon as Lady Luck favors me, I begin to wonder what’s next. The next, in my anxiety-ridden mind, is always bad because life’s a roller coaster ride. If I’m at a crest, the next must be a trough. I’m usually calmer when things are going wrong because I know you can’t go lower once you hit rock bottom. But as soon as things begin to look up – SH*T. Something bad is about to happen.
Oh no no no, you don’t need to worry. I am a stable human being. I take calculated risks, I’m calm and collected most of the time. If always anticipating and preparing for the worst-case scenario makes me a pessimist, then I am one. I’m neither sad, nor depressed. Currently, I am quite content. I know I am content because apart from a small buzz at the back of my head, reminding of my never-ending to-do list, I’m aware that immediate danger has been thwarted.
You may wonder why I’m not taking a tiny vacation, but honestly, I am! My procrastination is quite a vacation. My procrastination includes walking around the beautiful city of Boston, yoga by the Charles, reading A Gentleman in Moscow by Amor Towles, solving the Metro crossword (I’m terrible at it) and beating Dad in the game of Words with Friends. This is my vacation!
So, I am happy, I am content (cue italics for emphasis – or is it bold?)! But remember the ‘small buzz at the back of my head’? That does more than remind me about my to-do list. It tells me the future. The bleak future. I’m happy now, right? So, it is the trough next. This is just the calm before the storm, baby.
I am a stable human, though. I crave stability, the lack of drama. I like the steady-state rather than the ups and downs. I’m addicted to consistency in life. I know the thrill is in the unpredictable. Change is good and welcome, they say. I like change too, but on my terms. That’s something nature won’t allow, of course. Hence, I am battling nature constantly. Let nature take its course, they say, but I have been working too hard to pave my own path. Hence, I am constantly battling nature. I am looking for my plateau in the constant up-and-down. I was always a rebel. I’ve always rebelled for balance. Not too much of anything, nor too little. Just right. Always. Hence my search for the plateau. Hence my rebel against this unpredictable life.
P.S. Forgive the grammatical errors. I only speak code now…
P.P.S. Food for thought – happy brewing, happy reading! 😊