2018 – the year that was

happy place
My happy place 🙂

I do not remember the last time I genuinely sat down to write my thoughts on paper and not a paper on insurance or healthcare and the rising drug prices. I don’t really know why I am so concerned about drug prices considering I’m an aspiring corporate sector b**ch, as I’ve been told on numerous occasions while in a school for social policy. Perhaps, I’m working on a more achievable solution as security for when I’ll genuinely need medication and not a glass of wine to drown the blues.

Anyway, as Ross from FRIENDS puts it, when there’s a need for a change of topic – anyway, 2018 is finally coming to an end. I try to pen down my thoughts at the end of each year. I also try to write down my expectations from myself in the new year. I’m not sure I’ve revisited these thoughts in the past year or so because things don’t usually go as planned. Which is fair because if there was no uncertainty in life, I wouldn’t get paid for decision making in the future.

At 24, I find myself incredibly skeptical of everything. I’m stone-hearted and practical. I do not judge, I make sure I don’t, but I’m always wary. I’ve aged in the past couple of years. I’ve aged a lot more than I’ve ever before. I think it happens with everyone coming from similar circumstances. Initially you observe and learn. There’s a laziness to that and hence you age proportional to your number of years. Later, you experience. And experience is a brutal teacher (C.S. Lewis). That’s when the equation, a linear equation, changes to a quadratic one. I’m trying to “log” the transition (see what I did there?) but it’s not been easy keeping up. Hence, I’ve aged.

On the bright side, my personal goals of being independent, strong, an adult (in the true sense of the word) and financially wise (if not secure, YET), is seeming more achievable day-by-day. It’s not easy, but if it were, it wouldn’t be as satisfying.

To recount….2018 started with decisions of being honest to myself, to others, personally and professionally. It also included (chronologically) anticipation, stress, coping with rejections, waiting, some more waiting, the blues, good news with not much effect (I’m indifferent to happiness now, I will explain why), experiencing more than just four seasons because of a trip to India, experiencing more than a few stress headaches, praying, caring but then not caring, loneliness, separation, new beginnings, introspection, breakdowns, acceptance, working, realizing self-worth and also realizing I’m currently 56 years old and enjoy getting cleaning supplies.

It was a long year, as you can see. A very very long year. I think it’s clear why I would like it to end and for my vision to be reset to January, looking ahead and not behind.

I have simple resolutions. I’m not sure if they’ll all work out. I know I had two personal goals for 2018 and I only did one of them – run my first 5k. Why is it a big thing? It is. It is because I achieved a goal, for once. I’m not a finisher. I’m a let-go-er, sadly. I start projects with a lot of enthusiasm, but I may or may not finish them. It’s okay. I’m aware and accepting of that fact. No one is perfect and there are thousands who fall in the same category as me. I know I have the potential to work on my flaws and I am also aware that I am strong enough to pull myself up again and get back to work. So yes, I’ll continue working on being a finisher (and with the right person and equipment, pun intended – 😉).

I haven’t achieved much in these 24 years, but I’ve achieved self-growth and self-awareness, which is a lot more than many at age 24.

I’m aware I haven’t explained my indifference to good news and not written out my resolutions yet. See? So aware! So here goes – you know that feeling when you’re hungry? Of course, you do. Well, when you’re hungry and get fed then and there, the feeling of fullness is different than say, when you get fed after a few hours. It’s good, you are happy you finally could eat something but your pangs of hunger are dead by then. That’s where I am right now. I have no pangs. I’m monotonously doing what needs to be done. I’m feeding myself. But there are no pangs to satiate. So I feel nothing when something works out. I’m so accustomed to having nothing ever work out that a little luck goes unnoticed. Hence, I’m not only hard-hearted, I’m also indifferent and skeptical and *shrugs shoulders* – meh.

No! I do not want solutions to this because this isn’t a problem. It is not. I’m happy and active. I’m not depressed and I should know that because I’ve been depressed before. Depressed in a country where it is not an issue, depressed around people who wanted me to only pull myself together. No wait, that’s unfair. You mustn’t blame someone who is unaware. Blame them when they are being decidedly ignorant. Nevertheless, I am not depressed and am happy with my indifference. It keeps my feet firmly on the ground and urges me to keep working. Yes, one side-effect is that this indifference at my own achievements negatively influences my self-worth, something I’m trying to improve. In any case, they do not exactly cancel each other. There’s still room for progress.

Anyway….RESOLUTIONS! That’s a short list –

  1. Run a 10k
  2. Get your damn driver’s license already *eye roll*
  3. Fit into leather pants 😊

I didn’t write down being organized, having self-control, being financially wise and practical because those are innate qualities meant to be honed. There’s always room for improvement.

ANYWAY….. – Ross Geller

If I had ended with the last statement, the abruptness of the end would’ve haunted me. Hence, I’ll bore you a little longer; a paragraph’s worth! I don’t know if I wanted this piece to be depressing. I had no expectations, to be honest. I just wanted to write. Outside of texts to people. I wanted to write, for myself. For this blog which is another remnant of past projects begun and shelved. I just wanted to write because writing is a drug. It doesn’t come free, mind you. You pay in time. But it is time well spent. I do not know what you, as a reader, can do with this piece. Honestly, it is a personal piece. It doesn’t teach, it only shares. But you know something? That’s how you learn. You share your experience to teach. You communicate. This is me communicating with a handful of readers I have (a big assumption but still…). Maybe you relate to something. Maybe you had a similar or worse year. Maybe you had a better year and learned to sympathize. Maybe you pick up one of my resolutions. Maybe my strength and constant struggle gives you strength in yours. Maybe my transparency becomes your mirror. Or maybe, just maybe, I put a smile on your face, driving you down on an introspective path, reminiscing the past year, as I was this morning (now afternoon), while I sat down with a hot cuppa (now cold), opening my Amazon package with my computer cleaning supplies, content with the fact that I’m an adult, a 24 year old adult, who had paid off the loan on the PC she decided to write something on.

The year…that was, it truly was. Happy brewing, happy reading! 😊

DH

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